Candy Reviews by Sarah Efird

Lemon Jolly Ranchers: A Basic Human Right

2011-02-12T19:20:00.000-08:00

Ok, people, it’s time to organize. I don’t know how you found out about us, but we need all the help we can get to bring lemon Jolly Ranchers back to the forefront of American culture. There is an evil and vast conspiracy that has tried to keep lemon Jolly Ranchers out of the main Jolly Rancher assortments, and we simply will not stand for it any longer. They can try to keep the lemon jolly ranchers confined to the rarely stocked passion fruit assortment, but they will not prevail. Our movement has been gaining strength. There are lemon jolly rancher loyalists everywhere, and we have been waiting for the right time to take action. This is it, people. We will not be stopped. We are angry. We are strong. We are devoted to the cause, and we will get the lemon Jolly Ranchers we demand. And if you are one of our enemies, a lemon Jolly Rancher prohibitionist, and you think that because you stumbled upon our secret communications that you can somehow put an end to our activism, think again, you blue raspberry traitor. Join us now while you still can. Also, if you have any good ideas for posters and chants and slogans, please let me know, because so far, all I can think of is “hey, whatever happened to lemon Jolly Ranchers? Those were my favorite kind.”

Life savers: a pack of them really did save my life.

2011-01-10T17:42:00.001-08:00

We were in the mountains. It was me and some other adventurers, and we had just crossed a stone bridge over a ravine when we were attacked by ten giant snakes, four scary helicopters, a group of bandits, a tornado, and several people who wanted to sue us for stuff we had said in elementary school. It was a scary situation, I’m not going to lie, and all we had to defend ourselves was a small knife and a pack of life savers. Then, this one guy accidentally dropped the knife down the ravine, which left us with just the pack of life savers. Thankfully, it was the assorted fruit kind, and though I don’t have time to go into all the details, I will tell you that none of those predators were any match for the heroic pack of lifesavers.

Stork Chocolate Riesen: My riesen for living

2009-12-07T20:39:00.000-08:00

Get it? Riesen? Reason? My reisen for living? Kind of like my reason for living? Yeah, it's pretty clever. And true, too. They haven't done studies yet, but when they do, studies will probably show that Storck Chocolate Riesen motivate people more than any other incentive in the world. I am actually thinking about making a hat that has a Storck Chocolate Riesen hanging just out of my reach. I think this will help me keep on going when I want to quit something. Really, there's not much I am willing to do without being promised a Stork Chocolate Riesen. In fact, this post is the way it is because no one has offered me a Storck Chocolate Riesen in exchange for improving it.

Pop Rocks: So what if your stomach explodes?

2009-11-21T08:14:00.000-08:00

It's an urban legend, of course. No one's stomach will explode just because they eat pop rocks with coke. But so what if it did? Yes, your digestive system is a lot to lose, but think of what you gain: the temporary pleasure of having some yummy candy snapping and crackling in your mouth. If you are not willing to sacrifice your life for a few minutes of taste bud entertainment, may be you don't deserve the experience. Maybe your priorities are not in order. I figure that if, for some reason, the four or five packs of pop rocks that I consume at one time end up making my stomach, or even my whole body explode, it's not a big deal. While all the pop rocks abstainers are busy cleaning up the mess, I'll be in heaven eating a neverending supply of pop rocks.

Mike and Ikes: probably the cure for cancer

2009-11-21T07:33:00.000-08:00

I'm not just saying that because of their being kind of pill-shaped. Mike and Ikes are so delicious that they probably have healing powers. The yumminess alone will probably add ten years to your life. Factor that in with the modified corn starch, the carnuba wax, and the red #40, and you've pretty much discovered the remedy for most ailments. I'm actually surprised they're shelved in the candy section instead of the medicine section, and it's a wonder that they're sold over the counter at all. It seems like with all the debate about health care, someone would have realized the potential of what is clearly the solution to most of America's health woes. And yes, this post is indeed just an attempt to get my insurance company to pay for Mike and Ikes.

Ferrer Rocher Chocolates: I can quit anytime I want.

2009-11-19T17:28:00.000-08:00

Some people have crystal meth. I have Ferrer Rocher chocolates.

It is an expensive habit, but I justify it by remembering how much money I have saved by not being a collector of Rolls Royces. When Ferrer Rochers are not on sale, it's four dollars for a twelve pack. (You didn't think I would get the three pack, did you?) But they are worth every penny, and they are also worth all the weird looks you get when you're camping out in the Bilo parking lot for the after-Christmas 50% off sale. (It's best to get there on Christmas Eve so you can save your place through Christmas Day, too.) And yeah, I do miss spending Christmas with my family, but Ferrer Rocher chocolates are like family to me, too.

When I'm at the grocery store, I do try to leave some for others, because I know that I am not the only one who would choose a Ferrer Rocher over world peace, but this is usually after making sure I at least smell each package. It helps that the Bilo Managers and I have a little understanding-- they keep the shelves stocked and their families live to see another day.

Special Belated Halloween Post

2009-11-19T17:03:00.000-08:00

This post is a little different from the usual candy reviews. In this post, I am offering you some suggestions of things you can put in trick or treaters' bags so they won't come back again asking for candy. If you are like me, you don't believe that any holiday is a good enough reason to share candy. By putting the following in trick or treat bags, you can avoid giving away any portion of your precious candy stockpile and also ensure that they skip your house next year. I am only posting legal ideas, though I think we all agree that rules are worth breaking for candy:

1. Try giving out lettuce. It's cheap. You just buy a head of lettuce at the grocery store, break off a piece for each trick-or-treater as they come to your door, and give them a cold stare while you drop it into their bags.

2. Try dropping a scoop of ice cream into each trick or treater's bag. "Hi, boys and girls," you say. "Have I got a treat for you!!" And you scoop up a big glob of already melting ice cream and just chuck it in the bag. Maybe shake the bag a little so it gets all over those Reese's cups that they should have offered you. This way, you still seem like you were trying to be nice, but they get none of your candy and probably will take a different route next Halloween.

3. Soup. A ladel of soup poured over a child's hard-earned Halloween candy will teach them to never again have the audacity to flaunt their tasty loot in front of you.

4. Spoonfuls of canned cat food. The squishier the better. This doesn't spread as fast as the ice cream or soup, but they will remember the smell and know better next time.

I had other ideas but I want to get lots of candy in heaven, too, so I am not saying those ideas.

Reese’s Pieces: I put them in my backyard and E.T. never came.

2009-11-05T14:14:00.000-08:00

That movie, E.T., was just two big fat hours of false advertising. I don’t know about you, but when I saw it, I perceived a very clear message: “If you put Reeses Pieces in your yard, a lovable alien will come be your friend.” Well, I put Reeses Pieces in my backyard, and I am still waiting for E.T. to come make my toys fly around the room and drink my parents’ beer and take me for a bike ride in front of the giant moon. E.T. has not sent me so much as a postcard, and I don’t appreciate the false hope that Steven Spielberg and his Hollywood henchmen instilled in my heart. After years and years of waking up early to see if E.T. has gotten here yet, I have about given up and am trying to look at the bright side—more Reeses Pieces for me. I didn’t really want to share any Reeses Pieces with that slimy, gray, geranium-obsessed extra terrestrial anyway. E.T. would probably just follow me around asking to use my phone and telling me to "Be good." That preachy little candy-moocher won't find any more Reeses Pieces in my yard. Next time, don't bother with the defibrillator, people.

P.S. E.T., if you are out there reading this, I'm just joking. Please come visit me.

Nerds: Every day I pray that it will rain Nerds.

2009-11-05T14:13:00.001-08:00

I pray and pray, but nary a Nerd has fallen from the sky. Not a cherry Nerd. Not a grape Nerd. No Nerds at all. I hear thunder and I rush outside to see if God has heard my prayer, but plain old rain comes down. Laying outside with my mouth open does not seem to help, either. It is not good to criticize God, and I would never say anything negative about the earth that he has made. However, I would like to politely say that I think if God decided to make another earth, it would be good if we had Nerds instead of rain and Nerds instead of sand. Also, instead of lakes, rivers, and oceans, we could have Nerds. Also, Nerds instead of people. Think about how colorful it would be. I am aware that on that earth, I would not live that long because I need water and friendship to survive, but my short life would be very worthwhile because of all the Nerds I could consume. I am also aware that Nerds raining down hard might kind of hurt. But that is what steel umbrellas are for.

Godiva Chocolate: Yes, but think of all the boxes that I HAVEN'T eaten.

2009-09-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

It is true that my Godiva consumption seems excessive to some. But really, I have left a lot of chocolate out there for others to eat. According to the Godiva website, US consumers eat 2.8 billion pounds of chocolate annually. If you subtract the chocolate I eat, that leaves over 900 million pounds that are eaten by other people. That's a lot of chocolate! And if you divide the number of chocolates I have eaten by my lifespan, it's well under 4000 boxes a day. When you really consider the statistics we're dealing with, it is quite clear that I am not eating anywhere near enough chocolate. I am not saying that it's an emergency, and I am not saying that the government needs to get involved. I am not even saying that the Salvation Army needs to take care of this shortage. I am simply looking at the statistics at hand and pointing out that there is still a lot of chocolate out there that I haven't eaten, and a lot of it happens to be in unopened golden Godiva boxes that I happen to know how to open. I just don't appreciate any insinuation that I have eaten more than my share just because there is a caravan of Godiva delivery trucks that happen to continually pull into the loading dock I had attached to my house. It is really no one's business except mine and that of the Godiva accountants. Really, y'all should be glad that I left any on the shelves for you, and you might want to go ahead and buy some before it goes on sale and I am forced to change my generous "three for me, one for you" purchase ratio.

Jelly Belly Jelly Beans: so many reasons to hoard them.

2009-09-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

People, some day jelly bellies are going to be the new America currency, so you might want to buy them now for a couple cents a bean while you still can. Those of us with extra insight about trends and future economic forecasts(some call us prophets) know that the Jelly Belly factories will soon replace the U.S. Treasury, Mint, and Fort Knox. Me, I've already filled two bomb shelters full of jelly bellies in my back yard, not to mention my stomach. They've already pretty much made regular food obsolete, though some people seem to be slow to catch on. You do still see people eating real buttered popcorn in movie theatres instead of the superior Jelly Belly buttered popcorn jelly beans, and Wal-Mart is, for some odd reason, still selling real Dr. Pepper even though Jelly Belly put out a Dr. Pepper jelly bean years ago, which tastes more like Dr. Pepper than Dr. Pepper ever did. I have never been so jealous of cows with their four stomachs as I was when I discovered Fresh Market's jar full of the Jelly Belly Soda Pop collection. Jelly Belly jelly beans are clearly the reason God gave us mouths and stomachs in the first place. Yet many people are still only buying one or two bags a day, which is ludicrous, especially given the inevitable emergence of jelly bellies as the currency that will replace the American dollar as the foundation of this nation's economy. It is about time that currency became edible, and I for one, am going to be prepared.

Hershey's Bliss chocolate: my secret shame

2009-09-10T17:35:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I compromised myself with a bag of Hershey Milk chocolate Bliss candies. I am not proud of what happened, but I think that it was inevitable given the meltability of both parties involved. It started with an innocent trip to Wal-Mart and ended with an encounter that can’t be discussed on this blog due to FCC regulations. Something about the proportion of lecithin to soy kernel oil and cocoa just made me lose control. I am too ashamed to go into much detail about the circumstances surrounding the indiscretion, but I can tell you that it involved both the milk chocolate and crème de menthe flavors. I had nothing to do with the raspberry crème bliss. What kind of girl do you think I am? Everyone makes mistakes. Thank you for understanding. What happened was even more indecent than my Reese's scandal last year, and I promise that it will never happen again unless someone offers me some Hershey’s Bliss chocolate, or I go inside a grocery store or drug store, or even drive by one.

Mentos: Yes, I would eat one off the bottom of someone’s shoe.

2009-09-09T09:56:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what exactly a freshmaker is, but I do know that I love Mentos and would marry a pack of them if that did not mean rejecting all the other delicious and priceless packs of Mentos. I will tell you that a few years ago I had a very nice house and car, and I traded all of it for a Mento when I was in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube. This guy had a pack, and it was the assorted fruit kind, and I asked him for one, and he said “What will you give me?” and, well, what else could I say except “everything I own.” Looking back, I feel that it wasn’t the wisest decision I have ever made, because I could have sold my house and car and bought several hundred thousand packs of Mentos, but I think what I did was understandable. Plus, he gave me a pink one, which was exactly the kind I was hoping for. Really, when you need a Mento, you need a Mento, and you can’t let shallow materialism get in the way of what is truly important. I say this just to remind you that Mentos are out there if you want one, and I am also out there, so please remember me and toss a Mento my way every now and then.

Werthers Originals: not just for old people

2009-09-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

Many of you probably don’t eat Werther’s originals because you grew up watching Price is Right and Perry Mason and they would always play those Werther’s Originals commercials and that kid would get a Werther’s original from his grandma, and it seemed like only grandmas were allowed to buy them. It seemed like in the same way there’s a drinking age, there was also a Werther’s Original age, and it was somewhere up around 75 or so. I thought this for a long time, and I even had procedures done to help me age faster so I would be eligible to buy them. I also adopted children and then had them adopt some children so I could technically be a grandma. Then, I went to Hollywood and got a professional make-up artist to make me look 80. Then, I bought a walker. Finally, I went to the store to buy some Werther’s originals. They were definitely worth all the trouble, but the people at the register didn’t even card me. I later found out that you don’t have to be old, or even a grandma. You don’t have to be a member of AARP, you don’t have to be getting social security, and you don’t even have to watch Wheel of Fortune. They let anyone try Werther’s originals. They are on the rack in grocery stores and drug stores and anyone can buy them. If you do self-checkout, no one even knows that you bought them. In fact, liking them doesn’t even make you uncool. Just look at me, for instance. I have eaten over 850 Werther's Orgininals, and I am pretty much the coolest person I know besides whoever pushes the button on the machine that puts the shiny gold wrapper around the buttery toffee goodness known as Werther's Originals.

Honey candy: more valuable than you will ever be

2009-09-08T13:08:00.001-07:00

I am not going to tell you where you can get this honey candy that I speak of, and I am not even going to tell you the name of it, because there is a limited supply at the store where I get them, and I don’t want anyone else to have any. In fact, they have run out before, and I had to be hospitalized to endure the violent and painful withdrawal symptoms. All I will tell you is that somewhere out there is a candy so delicious that after eating just one, you will be willing to sell your own soul and the souls of all your children in order to eat even just one more. It’s hard candy with honey in the middle, and the only thing better than eating one is eating two. And the only thing better than that is eating three. And the only one better than that is eating, well, four. But there’s nothing better than that. Sike. There is: eating five. I think you see where I am going with this. Where am I going? I am going to the store to buy the rest of this week’s shipment. Do not follow me, or I will cut your throat with the edge of a half-eaten piece of honey hard candy. And then I will finish eating that yummy piece of hard candy, because if you think that I am going to waste even one lick of the most delicious candy besides all the other delicious candy I am also addicted to, then you are as wrong as the legislators who have not yet written laws requiring mass distribution of the only thing that can fix our country: the secret honey candy from the location that I cannot tell you about. Thank you for your time, and thank you for leaving me alone so I can eat more of this candy without being hindered by trivial things like family, friends, career, hobbies, and relationships.

Orange tic-tacs: worth dying for, worth killing for

2009-09-08T13:07:00.002-07:00

If there was a big vat of throw up in a hot, humid factory, and someone told me there was an orange tic-tac at the bottom, I would dive in and go for it. If there was a box of orange tic-tacs that had been smashed along with some roadkill and the tic tacs were stuck to the pavement, mixed in with smushed animal guts, you better believe that I would peel up that road kill, dig out every one of those orange treasures, and slurp ‘em down. The issue is simple. I will do anything for an orange tic-tac. They are so yummy that I wonder how anyone manages to swallow anything else. In fact, I think that millions would thank me if I broke into every pharmacy in the land and replaced people’s pills with something their bodies need more: orange tic-tacs. Eating tic-tacs is more important than living a long life, and without orange tic-tacs, who would want a long life anyway? It is true that I have killed people over a single tic-tac, and I will probably kill again. Orange tic-tacs are truly delicious and anyone who stands in my way as I strive to chew up and swallow as many as possible will be destroyed. Don’t join the thousands who already learned this the hard way.

Vermont maple candy: Worth losing friends over

2009-09-08T13:07:00.001-07:00

Vermont maple candy? What is that, you ask? It’s this yummy candy that you can get in Vermont. You can also get it at Cracker Barrel. You used to could get it at the Fresh Market. It is so yummy. I like it so much that my relationship with it has been deemed inappropriate by the Focus on the Family Purity Committee. I am actually working on finishing off two boxes of it right now: one in my car and one in my secret candy drawer in my room. I would do anything for a piece at any time, except, of course, commit a crime. Well, no, I guess I would commit a crime if I had to, but not any crime. Well, actually, yes, I guess I would commit any crime. I’m telling you, people, you do what you have to do to get this maple candy. I actually used to have a little brother named PJ and I sold him so I could buy more. Try some. It is five dollars a box at Cracker Barrel. The box is green with leaves on it. You will have to go to a Cracker Barrel outside of the southeast, though, because I already stole all the maple candy in this area.

Lindt Milk Chocolate with Hazelnut: Where has it been all my life?

2009-09-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

If I had a time machine, I would go back in time and consume as much Lindt Milk Chocolate with Hazelnut as I could. I regret every moment in my life in which I haven’t had a bite of lindt chocolate in my mouth. I have actually gone through all the photos in my family’s photo albums, scanned them into the computer, and photoshopped in a lindt candy bar in my hand in every photo. When I think of all the fruits and vegetables I have eaten, I am sick with regret. Each morsel could have been a bite of Lindt’s smooth chocolatey sensation. From now on I will strive to always have the chocolate in my mouth. Some monks and nuns have taken vows of silence. I am doing likewise, but the silence will come from necessity. My mouth must be closed around Lindt Milk Chocolate with hazelnut. Friends, thank you for being there for me during my wasted years. I won’t be needing you any more, though. I have found my purpose, and it is to consume as much Lindt chocolate as possible. It is a solitary life that I must lead. I must fulfill my destiny.

Milkfuls: why did they disappear from the shelves?

2009-09-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

Never have I been consumed by so much rage as when I went into CVS to buy some Milkfuls and they did not have any. Well, that is not true. I was also out of my mind with anger when I stormed into Walgreens, Bi-Lo, World Market, and Wal-Mart and found no Milkfuls. People, how can you do this to me? I stop eating Milkfuls for a mere couple of years and they disappear. How can we let this happen? There has not been a loss this great since the extinction of the Dodo bird. In fact, the absence of this candy on shelves may mean that you are reading this without even knowing about the candy I am speaking of. I weep for you, my brother. To walk this earth without ever savoring the cream-filled caramel hard candy is a torture that I cannot imagine enduring. Milkfuls used to come in a blue bag and they were made by the people who make Werther’s originals and Stork chocolate Reisen. They are foreign candy. And if you think for a second that I will not hijack a plane to go to Europe and raid their stores, you are sadly mistaken. We must bring them back. We must fight for our God-given right to eat as many Milkfuls as it takes to be satisfied, which, for the record, is 84,502,394. (per person). We cannot let them take Milkfuls away. I beg you to join me in taking a stand against whatever horrific force is wiping out the very foundation of everything decent in America: Milkfuls.